out of sight

RENEGADE

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 02:06:11 GMT

here i was feeling almost nice. Last time "this" happened that lady called me beautiful. In his case that would have been harassment. But he was kind to me just the same. Lenient. He sounded tired, disapproving, like how you might sound.

I know if you didn't catch me now I wasn't going to stop. You were warning me, with a flash of white and I *knew* it, and I still did it. You didn't leave my side even though I said I no longer believed in you. I know the lack of SSN on the card and "RENEGADE" on the radio were signs from you telling me that this was no lucky break of mine, that you were proving yourself at last.

Renegade in itself! I can't get over that. That was no coincidence.

Feeling pretty sick. Anxious. Nervous. But not alive.

It all cost me around $14

I'm sorry, and thank you.

You've made it very clear.

you got me going crazy

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 13:56:16 GMT

Have to mail more packages today. They're so ghettobootleg at the PO, and you can't really complain about their service because they're goverment paid. Five minutes before close I had told the cashier I had over 10 packages and she began swearing in ebonics, adding "shiiiyaat" to the end of every sentence.

Four years ago I wrote myself a letter through my english teacher Mrs. Brusek. One of my questions was "Did you finally find that book?" I ordered it in an online bookshop the specializes in out-of-prints a few days ago.

I'm pretty mad about the auction still, I better get my big package in the mail today..! >P

Judd's trying to get me to go see The Village but I don't like scary movies... I enjoy being alone in the house and don't want that feeling ruined with panicky insanity of the mind for several months. Whenever I watch something that shakes my nerves I get cold, twitchy, and wonder why Niko is mewing at the wall.

I suggested we go clubbing instead but Judd says he's suffering from "white syndrome" and can't dance to save his life.

going to go back to bed.

damn yahoo auctions.

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 13:44:18 GMT

from 21,000yen to 36,000yen! >( I stopped bidding.

URAAAGAGGHH!!

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 20:12:43 GMT

I look outside and see my car is not out front where I had last parked it. I run to my purse for my keys, but they're not there. I snatch my cell and go outside walking to see if I had parked my car down the block and forgot. I was panicking by now Did I leave my keys in the car? Did someone steal my car? I just got it back! Maybe dad took it for an oil change and forgot to tell me...

Upon turning the corner I pass my brother's car. He told me he was going to get his hair cut... I punched his digits and when he picked up I yelled,"DID YOU TAKE MY CAR?" He said casually, "Yeah, I locked my keys in my car by mistake. I forgot to tell you." I uragghedd, "Idioto! I thought someone stole my car! i'm going to kill you when you get home!"

moral: brothers must die.

been stressed long enough

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 21:11:09 GMT

Tiko finally molted! I hope he hardens okay, and quickly, I miss him :( I think molting pictures are fascinating, so here are my own:

Tiko, all pink and soft.
His exoskeleton.

He was mostly vanilla-colored with one random orange leg and the trandemark purple pincher, so I'm really curious to see what color he looks like when he hardens :)

it's raining pretty bad, so my cat will do what he does best.

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 20:54:53 GMT

Niko's getting chunky! look at the bloated tum-tum XD i feed him too much.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 17:48:50 GMT

:\ I put Lucas and Seth up for adoption as cagemates together, and some girl emailed me really really really wanting Lucas, so I gave in since he's going to be housed with another chin buddy. Now another girl just emailed me saying she'd loved to have the pair if they were still available -_- sigh I would have rather they gone together but it's too late now.

I ordered a chin cage. No time to make or find a cabinet to convert. will try later. Bought a flying saucer for them about $20 off the price, so yay they will be happy. Am buying a gram scale online because I can't find one in the store! and it's cheaper, even w/ shipping online. when I want something, I want it NOWWWW.

in other news, I gained 5 lb -_-! I wish I could just transfer it to mister r as he needs the extra ~~weight~~, erm nourishment much more than I do ;P

some idioto who sent me a check for a book on amazon when he already paid for it via bank transfer sent me a letter today threatening me in bad handwriting: If I don't get my $14.49 in 10 days I'll see that you'll regret not sending it. (psst, he's from las vegas).

need to clean and eBay -_- don't wanna.

my baby shot me down

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 15:31:49 GMT

Saw spider-man2 with Judd late last night. He randomly called me up and decided we should go. I liked it better than the first. Around the end of the movie I whisper to him, "Man does Tobey Maguire have a nice neck." and Judd cracked up laughing so hard that he started to choke and spring tears. I think I may have said it too earnestly and too randomly, I do that a lot. Bad timing though, he was laughing during a really serious scene, so ppl were turning around and craining their necks to see if we were insanepants.

$54 profit yesterday in returns XD Went to check out several antique/resale shops for cabinets to chilla-convert, but came up empty handed. Don't see anything nice on eBay either...:P

I don't have a cig lighter in my car, my mother lost it. Never bothered me much since I don't do the smoky. Daddy bought me a LED light to plug in its place, it's all moody blue and has a spider on the bulb XD daddy wants me to go to dinner with him at his friend's house. they've just recently adopted three russian children who love cats and I'm to go over there and entertain..

gave the crabbies their bath. Tiko's considering molting, he's made a hidden room under the big freshwater bowl and has been down there for more than a week. No molting. So today I fill his shell with water and put him back under the dish with some FMR and grape quarters. ;_; he's one of my favs... I hope he'll molt quickly if he's feeling up to it.

seems a lot of us are stuck in a rut, unable to break free from the mudane cycle of laziness and procrastination. What happened to the get-up-and-go? I've been without it for maybe five years now.

es mi vida

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 01:59:25 GMT

am very happy to have my car back :) I've been driving all over. Downloaded a lot of stuff today. Got dreamweaver, J do you still need it? gonna get fireworks later. Also upgraded my virus program ... I had three worms in the system ^^ ....

Wanted to see my big fat greek wedding but it was out :( I read Catwoman so I went and rented Batman Returns instead.

I found my stereo wire chewed halfway through yesterday! One of the chinchillas did it ... I know it wasn't Mikas, because he's a good boy and never chews on anything. Lulu didn't have her play-out time yet, so it was either Seth or Lucas (beige chin, Julian named him ^^;).. I felt really bad about it, whoever did it could have easily died, since it was plugged in. When I bent down to pull it out I stupidly clamped my hand over the wires and then was used as conducter of electricity. I thought being electricuted would deliver more of a punch, even for a small buzz as that, but it's not exactly painful, just unbearable, if that makes sense.

I think Seth is the culprit. He's a chewaholic >< .... He ate a good 3 inches of one of my leather belts once..

did some gardening today. I have buds<3 hope they bloom soon. I need some potting soil.

today wasn't too productive a day.. I'll try harder tomorrow. I'm going to go around to antique stores to see if there are any cheap cabinets I can convert into a chilla cage.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 04:20:42 GMT

I am more pissed off than words can possibly describe. If there's anything I learned, it's that i do not want to be anything like you, ever. I am so through with this bullshit, and you're going to wish so bad that you could've loved me.

I'm going to surrender myself to things that should have been first. can you demand creativity from yourself? sure.

it's like i already screwed up this rebirth. but i'm not giving up. i used to pride myself on stamina.

i can't wait until i'm beautiful.

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 10:09:11 GMT

I swear on my grandmother's grave I will find you, and I will make you pay.

'night moon.

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 07:47:34 GMT

::sighs deeply::

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 07:46:57 GMT

ne, that was the reason, huh.

THE BEST IM CONVO EVER!

Thu, 11 Dec 2003 07:28:29 GMT

K7CLOUD: i want a pony, sam
K7CLOUD: well ... maybe not.
SombraDeTi: haha
SombraDeTi: where would you put it???
SombraDeTi: how would you feed it???
SombraDeTi: that is the rational minded Sam
K7CLOUD: yes, yes, these questions add up
SombraDeTi: now for the philosophical side
SombraDeTi: well Nina
SombraDeTi: you do have a pony
SombraDeTi: for you are spirtually connected with everything
SombraDeTi: and just as butterfly flapping its wing on this side of the world creates a hurricane on another
SombraDeTi: you are attached to a pony which is running freely in open verdant pastures
SombraDeTi: below a sea of golden sun
SombraDeTi: as the midnight sun shines upon your face you realize you were lost in this place
SombraDeTi: for the words keep on going
SombraDeTi: and no coherent phrase aloof in any of it
K7CLOUD: ...I think you rule, Sam.
SombraDeTi: lol

boot preference

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 08:53:45 GMT

I used to always wear boots with no heel. I couldn't walk 15 minutes in heels. My favorite Candies boots finally got worn to the bone and I started wearing other shoes. My new everyday pair became my harleys with low heels. When I misplaced them I started wearing my four inch Mudd boots and my nine west stilettos (got used to them, more like). I think I've developed an insecurity with my short height :D ...

when I went to work I dug out and put on my old gradskool doc martens, a favorite due to immense comfort. By the end of the night I couldn't wait to kick em off --- I could not stand having no arch in my shoe. I need new everyday boots however, I don't want to wear out what I got like I did them Candies ...

ripped from domkitty

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 05:20:58 GMT

You should be dating a Gemini
21 May - 20 June
This mate is inquisitive, entertaining and
charming, liberal, broad-minded and youthful.
Though Gemini has a tendency to be impatient,
gossipy and sometimes irritable, this twin has
the ability to expresses his or her pent up
emotions during sex!

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmm... I think this is kind of wrong. Usually I do well with Aries or Virgo.

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 04:49:36 GMT

things I've really been into lately:

skirts, heels, CAMEOS, dragonflies, crafts, organizers.

cameos are my new thing. jeez, gorgeous.

edit: and PICTURE FRAMES! How could I forget that? I bought so many, then I found a cardboard carton-full of them -_- ... stupid sales...

:P

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 03:14:42 GMT

Judd, "Kiana wears weird clothes.."
Me, "Of course I wear weird clothes! I'm an artist!"

accomplishment of the week.

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 06:51:54 GMT

I'm somewhat proud -- I've cleared my closest and drawers out. I have so much space in them that I think I should just go and buy some clothes now ;) y'know, help fill the void.

I have over 9 big shopping bags full of clothing I don't/won't/can't wear. And one bag of shoes. Will go donate/sell this WE, hopefully. Nena needs some cash. :)~

I went through my spare fabrics and organized :) And since I had a whole empty drawer I put the fabric I couldn't squeeze into my big container there. *pleased* Room! Organization!

My closet is so empty now :D wow ... *marvels* I had some really hideous clothing, I kid you not... Some of the stuff I have is too hideous to even donate, so I'm cutting them up and making cat mats for my shelter. Speaking of cutting up, I have some dresses I want to cut up and make skirts with, but shhh don't tell my korean mommy.

I'm organizing everything in my room and clearing it all out. All my anime and doll junk will be sold on auction or the doll show in April. It's going to be crazy only having maybe 10 1/6 dolls in my room.. I think 3 SDs will make up for it though :D ...eheh, if I plan to keep them -_- ...

Sat, 06 Dec 2003 06:46:00 GMT

I think the reason why I never get anything done is because I want to do too many things at once, and since I'm a careful, but not very patient person, I don't want to rush into things, and then I don't end up doing anything at all. Because in my mind one can never be ready -_- .. And if I do do something, usually it's a half hearted attempt and then I'm upset with myself for wasting my time and effort.

bear with me, I know I'll get out of this rut eventually...

bettalk

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 21:52:42 GMT

My betta Yumeno died today. He's been acting sickly all week and when my brother checked him over he announced that Yumeno had some fungus growing on him. Sigh. It's just as bad as when Tsume died. The other three bettas I have are the ones my brother bought for me. They're all lovely, especially the adorable halfmoon, but I'd like to have a betta I chose for myself ^^**

Funny how I haven't named the bettas my brother bought for me. They're just refered as the "crowntail" or the "red tiger" ... all the bettas I bought were named, Tsume, Hiku, Kai, Yumeno... :)

I think I'll go out and get some crab ragoon, and maybe a new Cambodian at Chicago Aquarium today.

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 05:17:39 GMT

I went with my sister to several stores today and I finally lost it at urban outfitters where I saw a skirt I liked for $54. It's nothing special, just pretty taffeta with frilly lace and ribbon. I could MAKE it. I'm going to make some skirts goddamnit. Just let me clear some space...

I'm quite literally clearing out my closet. Anything that doesn't fit me anymore will either be cut up for fabric, sold, or donated.

I have first day of work tomorrow at fields. -_- gambatte ne...

Dilemma

Mon, 17 Nov 2003 09:06:06 GMT

Anyone remember me saying my sister Sylvia is a shady sketchy playa who I do not feel sympathetic for when she has relationship problems? ...Well.

My sis was going out with Lily for the longest, when she cheated on her with Stephanie. She kept seeing Stephanie, and eventually the two of them broke up. My sis was really smitten with Stephanie for a couple months, and then the honeymoon turned sour. She heard Lily had gotten a new gf, and Stephanie was now annoying her to no end.

My sister hates that she's become something she absolutely loathes: a jealous ex girlfriend.

We went to some party last night, and who should be making out right at the entrance? Lily with her new gf Ashley in her lap. Sylvia went ballistic, ran down the stairs, pulling me down with her in my four inch heels. I didn't see what the big deal was, I was not sympathetic. Sylvia really hurt Lily when she cheated her on Steph; Lily has every right to go out with anyone she wants.

Sylvia got really drunk afterward. She needed to get drunk to forget. But she didn't. All night she bitched about "How could she?" Everyone was too drunk to drive so I did drove everyone home, even though I was half drunk myself. Guilty guilty because daddy said if I get drunk not to drive. Anyway ... Sylvia had to sleep over since she was too drunk to get back home, and all she sang was "My China Doll" .. (Lily is Chinese) ....

Lily and her talked some, Lily still wants to see Sylvia, still be friends with her. Sylvia doesn't want to be around Lily if Ashley is around. They finally compromised on seeing each other one on one. Then Lily made un gran problema when she told Sylvia she was going to drop by and see her before she went shopping. Sylvia misunderstood and thought Lily wanted to go shopping with her, when Lily just wanted to see her for an hour before she went shopping with Ashley ...

So of course Lily feels awful and Sylvia goes crazy, getting a knife, threatening to cut herself and pricking her skin with safety pins. Lily called me to please please please check up on her. I call her frantic, asking if she was okay. She acts nonchalant and says shes fine. I ask again. Same response. She says, "Let me call you right back."

Then Vanessa calls me telling my Sylvia just called asking about slef inflicting pain because "the cutting wasn't working" ...

What hurts most is that Sylvia couldn't talk to me about it, and she lied to me. I felt it was okay if she lied to everyone else, but not me. I'm supposed to be different. I know she doesn't like to talk about stuff like this, but I don't know ... I feel like I should have been someone more to her. I wanted to be the person she could come and talk to in a crisis, I wanted to be her real oneesan, like how Janette watches out for me. But I see that to her, I'm just like everyone else.

What hurts the most is that I know what's wrong, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm motherly by nature so this makes me ache. All I can do is watch her get hurt over and over again. The lack of power I have in this situation angers me because I want to make it right for her, I don't want her tears. You can't be a playa if you have a soft heart, remember that, mijita.

... ... that was friday.

yesterday Sylvia gave me the scare of mi vida. She got drunk as fuuuuck and was calling people to come beat her up because "cutting herself wasn't working" ... I told her not to drive -- there was a party on the northside she wanted to hit but I knew she wouldn't listen to me ... I talked to Stephanie worried as hell and Stephanie got James to come with me because I'm hopeless on the road. When we get there the door is wide open and the place is a mess with throwup everywhere. Her keys weren't hanging on the hook and James couldn't find her car. That's when I tried not to cry. I must have called Aaron and Lily and co. 500million times wondering where the fuq she was, because she wasn't answering her cell.

Finally Aaron calls me back, 3ways with Stephanie, who is hysterical and crying, saying Sylvia told her she might not answer the phone tomorrow because she'll be dead and so on. I couldn't help it, the tears fell. The angry, shitworriedasfuck tears.

We went outside to wait in my car because Sylvia was coming back to her house. Finally James said,"There she is." and to add to my anger she was laughing. I couldn't see straight by the time I marched over to her car.

I slapped her so hard that she staggered and my wrist is still cracking in the wrong places. I grabbed her by her curly hair and shook her, screaming screaming cursing good thing James was there to pull us apart because I would have killed her for being so stupid.

We went inside and we calmed down some.. We cleaned up the throwup and spills, I washed the dishes and James took the garbage out. I made Sylvia some tea because she should have been dehydrated after throwing up, but I ended up drinking most of it. Mainly out of nerves..

she's okay now ... we actually went to a party (I hoped it'd get her mind off some things...) and suprise, I saw Dennis there and boy do I now have another problem to run away from.

I don't know if I apologized for hitting her. Baby sis.... all my stupid friends make me worry and cry and bitch so much. please don't hurt yourself anymore because I'm a sensitive fuck, and it hurts me bad.